:)

My friends, my family and my daughter...are amazing. I'm realizing that while I've had a pretty crappy periods of time, I've not had a crappy life. I've had a very good life, just have had some really rough spots. Wax on, wax off. Lol. It'll all smooth out when it should. I've been in a really good mood for the past week or so, and I think it's because I'm finally letting go of everything. Brian has tried blowing up my phone, trying to get under my skin and get a reaction like usual..but for once...I'm not caving. I'm letting his words roll off my shoulder and not getting upset and going off. In turn that's ticking him off. Oh well. I'm through letting him control my life and my emotions. He thinks if he scares me enough, I won't find another relationship. I'll find a relationship when I'm good and ready, and when it's supposed to happen. :)

I hope this weekend will be a good one. I plan on going to the pool, if it's going to be nice. My grandfather got MaKenzie's tire swing put up, so she's excited about that. And we definitely have to hit up Doumar's this weekend. I'm craving some good ice cream. :D

...Um.. what?

I'm so confused.


Now Aaron is being nice and joking around.


I don't get it.

If you're happy and you know it...

Well, I've not written in a while. Things have been good, some bad, but that's life. I've only got a month left til the shipyard. Very nervous and very excited. When I see Nikki and Aaron at work now, it doesn't make me quite feel like I've been donkey kicked in the stomach anymore. So that's a bonus. Sure, it still sucks, but I think I'm really just finally being happy with myself and life. Also everything that I have.

Last Thursday I got to go to lunch with Abby, who(m?) I haven't seen since last year. It was good to sit down and relax, have a good lunch and catch up. She's a wonderful person to talk to, and really compassionate. I was off work Friday so Mak and I went to my aunt's pool, hung out and she then went to grandma's while I went to see Eclipse that night with Brooke, and then we met up with Edward and Derek after the movie for bowling. It was hilarious. I haven't laughed that much in forever, but the end of the night kinda threw me off. See, I know my buddy Edward has always liked me..but he's just not my type, I see him as a brother and that's it. Plus he is married. I enjoy hanging out with him, he's a great friend, but that's it. And he was drunk after bowling, texting me asking if I was going to come over, and watch a movie, etc etc. Just makes me really uncomfortable because I don't want to ruin the friendship but I don't like comments like that. I don't really know what to do. Ugh.

But...on a happier note, I met this guy, Mark. I did meet him from Plenty of Fish (which I have deleted my account by now) but we talked briefly before but it never really seemed to go anywhere. Anyway, I deleted my account because I was tired of trying to find someone and only finding weirdo people. So I was content with just being happy alone. Then Mark texted me again asking how I was, etc. We ended up talking a bit, and he wanted to meet. We had lunch Saturday and went for coffee afterwards. Well, he had coffee, I have a chocolate drink lol. But it went really well. He had me laughing the whole time. He was easy to get along with, quick to make you laugh. Plus he still believes in chivalry, opened all my doors, etc. He has a 17 month old son that he has custody of, so he understands the whole having a kid thing. I don't know. I'm really liking talking to him. We had plans to see the fireworks last night, but it didn't work out. But we're hanging out again sometime this week. It'd be sweet if it worked out, because he is such a sweet guy and I do like him thus far, but I'm determind not to get my hopes up. Saturday was his birthday so he went out later that night, but he kept in contact with me the whole time. I joked and said "meeting lots of cute girls for your birthday?" and he wrote back and said "nope you're still on my mind so not interested in them." It made me smile like a school girl. Lol. Oiy.

Today at work has been...blah. We're kinda sorta busy, and running on a very skeleton crew. I'm already counting down until I get off. Seven more hours...and counting....

Oh, boo..

I'm already dreading this weekend now. I'm looking forward to Mak's gymnastics show tomorrow, and my brother and my cousin's graduation party. And that's it. Dave Weddle and I were supposed to be doing a joint party at his house tomorrow, with a bunch of people, hanging out, going muddin, etc. Welp..he invited Aaron. And he's going. So I'm not. I don't want to go celebrate my birthday and be miserable the whole night because Aaron will be there with Nikki. So I reckon, once again, that'll I'll be doing nothing for my birthday. So yeah. I'm kinda bummed about that.

Brian flipped out on me again. So that's it. I'm done fighting with him to be in his daughter's life. That was the last straw. I told him if he can't be a constant in MaKenzie's life, then don't be there at all. He's been saying he's going to come see her and talk to her every day. He came and saw her ONCE and maybe talked to her on the phone about 4 or 5 times. So I'm done. It's not fair to Mak for her to think she's done something wrong and her daddy doesn't want to see her anymore. It breaks my heart that he doesn't want to be in her life, but I'm more worried about her hearting breaking.

BUT!! I got my official notice from the shipyard!! I start August 16th. The first year I have school, but that's ok with me. I'm looking to put Mak in school in the fall as well.

Regardless....I'm really ready for a break.

It's a big day!

Today my little brother graduates high school!! I can't believe he is done with high school already. It feels like he justed started high school this year. I'm excited to go see him walk across that stage.

I took Thursday and Friday off this week because I needed a break. Thursday I'm going to go have lunch with my sister and Friday I'm taking Mak to Busch Gardens for the first time. I haven't been there in over 6 years. So some friends and I are going, and taking the kids. Apparently there is a huge Sesame Street place now, so I know Mak will have fun. I bought our season tickets yesterday, and just did the pay plan, so I only pay 16 dollars a month, which isn't bad at all. So I'm excited to take her there this week.

On the 19th, Mak has her gymnastics show they put on at the end of the semester. She did fairly well in the last one, but she's been in gymnastics a lot longer and I can't wait to see her in the show this year. :)

Life

No matter how bad things are, just know someone, somewhere...is going through a rougher time than you.




Time to keep my head up and be happy. I deserve it. And finally letting myself believe it.




Love my family, my friends. Especially Amanda, Abby, Cassie, Becky & Dana, Edward.. Love you guys, for your own individual thing you bring into my life.

June...really?

I can't believe it's June already!! This year is really flying by. We had a good Memorial Day weekend. My bestest Cassie's birthday was the 30th, so I hope she had a WONDERFUL day! Love her bunches. Hung out over Becky's house saturday night, went to Amanda and Ryan's last night. I've been hanging out with Becky a little more and more. Her and I used to be friends way back in middle school and we drifted ways. Her mom is the one who took my boxer Nemo for me. But we've been hanging out more, which is nice. Her whole family is more... "country bumpkin" I guess you would call it. I guess people tend to look down on them cause people assume they are "white trash" and they aren't. They are really good people. But when everyone comes over to the house there is like 8 kids running around lol. Family is really important to them, so they get together every weekend. Even though I haven't really been around these people in years, they just accept Mak and I as if we've been there all along. They have a good time, and don't have to spend a bunch of money to go out and do it. So it's nice.

Brian (Mak's father) came over Sunday and spent some time with her, so that was nice. She was so excited to see him. I'm glad he came over and played with her. They watched Ice Age together. It makes me happy to see MaKenzie happy, and I'd rather have a amicable relationship with Brian anyway, instead of always giving each other attitudes.

As for Rhyan, she's pretty ticked off at me that I won't give her the time of day anymore. She expects me to just forget everything that she's done to me and go back to being best friends with her. And I always have before. But maybe I'm growing up a little. I'm finally cutting her out of my life. And it feels good.

I still miss Aaron, and I know in my heart I still love him, but instead of keeping him up on a pedestal, I've been realizing his faults and how he's wronged me too, instead of making excuses for him. It still hurts, but looking at the whole picture is making moving on a lot easier. It's hard seeing him and his new girlfriend at work, but I just hold my head up and keep on smiling. I have far too many things in my life that are good and wonderful, as opposed to wishing for what might have been. We had a good relationship up until the end, so I'll remember the good times and smile, as opposed to being resentful and cry. We had a lot of great memories and I'll cherish them. Everything happens for a reason, and the lesson will show it's face in due time.

Ugh

Day two of complaining. I have very few friends. It's whatever. But lately my closest friend, Sawyer (I call him Edward) has been making comments about my intelligence, the way I raise Mak. Just poking fun at me, and I know it's all in good fun and he thinks it's amusing, but it really gets under my skin and hurts. I can't just laugh it off. I don't quite know how to deal with it, and it's making me contemplate just further retracting myself from a social life. I don't like not talking to people, but it doesn't do me any good whatsoever.



I'm just so over everything right now.

Tired

Of having to work with my ex boyfriend I still love, and also working with his new girlfriend, that used to be my friend. Tired of being calling the immature one, but yet when they see me they have to get all over each other to rub it in my face. And in my defense all I do is look away and keep walking. I don't react. But I'm the immature one.




ergh.

Longest weekend ever..

And I didn't think that was possible. Every single one of my plans this whole weekend fell through, so I spent the entire time sitting at home alone (with Mak) doing nothing. And since I have no internet, nor do I have cable, it was extremely boring. I went through three books in two days. So needless to say, I did a lot of thinking. Not good.

I have been talking to MaKenzie's father a little bit more. He hasn't seen or spoken to Mak in about two months, but I'm trying to be the bigger person, and I suggested that we move on from the past, and start fresh. I want to have a better 'relationship' with him, for MaKenzie. I don't want her to be around anything negative, and I don't want her to go through what my brother did with my parents divorce. So he and I have been talking a little bit more, being more friendly. He's been calling to talk to Mak almost every night for the past week, and I know she enjoys that. So we'll see how it goes. I just don't want her heart to get broken. Mine has been broken enough for the both of us the rest of our lives.

Lately I've really missed writing poetry. I haven't done it in quite awhile, but I miss having the satisfaction of writing something that is entirely mine. I just came seem to get back into it though. I haven't produced anything worthwhile in over two years. Back in high school, I would churn out 3-4 poems a week. I don't know what to do to get over this "block" and get back into the swing of things. Hmpf.

Romeo, save me, I've been feeling so alone..

As I was thinking about writing out this blog, a certain song was on, that pretty much summed up my feelings. 'Love Story' by Taylor Swift, but the particular part was where she got tired of waiting, wondering if Romeo would ever come around, and her faith in him is fading. I kinda feel like that. But my faith isn't really in just Romeo..more so everyone. I'm afraid to even try to make new friends, because of what's happened recently. But I don't like being alone. I want that friend I can call whenever I need to, and they know just what to say. A friend that will cry with me, laugh with me, and just be there for me. I give my all for every relationship I have, romantically or just friendship wise...and I always get burned. No matter what I do. I get burned. I hate not having someone I can trust or rely on. That when I'm having a hard day I can vent. Especially with raising MaKenzie on my own. At home.. I have no adult interaction. No adult conversation. I have no cable so can't watch TV, no computer so I can't occupy myself that way. It sucks. And that's when I start thinking about everything again and I go back into my funk. I went to bed last night at 9:00 pm, just to avoid thinking about everything.

In retrospect, I am also..happy, if you will, that this has happened to me. Because it only makes me stronger and more cautious. It will in turn make me a better person, and when I do eventually find the right one to be with..I'll be that much more appreciative of what I will have found. So I'm trying really hard to hold onto that thought.

I'm excited for tomorrow night, because I'm getting my third tattoo. I got my second one a week ago, and I'm going back tomorrow to get this new one. All mine are able to be hidden, but these last two...mean a lot to me. And keeps me chugging along. I wish it wasn't going to rain this weekend so MaKenzie and I could play at the park.

My birthday is in exactly one month. I'm tempted to hole myself in the house, and never come out. Lol. I don't care much for my birthday. We'll see what happens.

I'm still waiting to hear from the shipyard about my security clearance and my exact start date. I know it's sometime in August. I'm so excited, and so nervous at the same time. This is a real chance to make a better life for MaKenzie and me. I just don't like change that much so it's going to take time getting used to. I've been at the Ford dealership since 2001. Eek! I can't wait to start though. It's going to such a great thing for me and her.

Trials of my Misfortune

It's only 8:30 in the morning, and my day is already gone down hill. I have an older POS for a car. That constantly needs work. It's been overheating, and now this morning, it won't shift. Just what I need. But I'm trying really hard to be positive and hope that it's just something small that is easily fixed.

On an entertaining note, (well, entertaining for me now, it certaintly wasn't when it was happening) I get these "spickets" in my bathroom during the summer from time to time. Techinally they are camel crickets, but they are freaky and un-natural and look like a cross between a spider and a cricket. Hence my nickname for them. They like to hide and when I go into the bathroom and turn the light on, they jump at me, causing my heart to beat faster than a racehorse on drugs, and to high tail it out of the bathroom in search of my broom. Well, yesterday as I was getting clothes out to wash, one jumped AT MY FACE!! So I followed my routine of screaming and running to get the broom. Only this time, I tried to hit the stupid thing so hard, I broke the broom! At the moment I was freaking out, now it's pretty funny.

Lately I have been doing pretty good about not letting things get to me, and holding my head up considering everything that has happened to me in the last 2-3 months, much less the past year. But the past couple of days have really gotten to me, especially two days ago. I start thinking about everything and I always end up feeling like it's my fault. I need to find something that will snap me outta that mood. It's difficult.

Let's hope today will end on a high note. :)

Test..1..2.. Checking..Test

Ok, so I signed up for Blogger to help a good friend out for a contest...but I figured since I already had to set it up..maybe I should give it a shot in blogging. See what happens. So if by chance anyone does read this, you'll be hearing about myself...things going on in life. My quest for a better future. To find happiness, maybe love. Raising my daughter on my own, and attempting to have a social life. I have plenty of ups and downs, and some entertaining times. I tend to not sugar-coat things when writing because then I can say (or write?) what I really think and feel. So sit back and enjoy the ride!