Ugh

Day two of complaining. I have very few friends. It's whatever. But lately my closest friend, Sawyer (I call him Edward) has been making comments about my intelligence, the way I raise Mak. Just poking fun at me, and I know it's all in good fun and he thinks it's amusing, but it really gets under my skin and hurts. I can't just laugh it off. I don't quite know how to deal with it, and it's making me contemplate just further retracting myself from a social life. I don't like not talking to people, but it doesn't do me any good whatsoever.



I'm just so over everything right now.

Tired

Of having to work with my ex boyfriend I still love, and also working with his new girlfriend, that used to be my friend. Tired of being calling the immature one, but yet when they see me they have to get all over each other to rub it in my face. And in my defense all I do is look away and keep walking. I don't react. But I'm the immature one.




ergh.

Longest weekend ever..

And I didn't think that was possible. Every single one of my plans this whole weekend fell through, so I spent the entire time sitting at home alone (with Mak) doing nothing. And since I have no internet, nor do I have cable, it was extremely boring. I went through three books in two days. So needless to say, I did a lot of thinking. Not good.

I have been talking to MaKenzie's father a little bit more. He hasn't seen or spoken to Mak in about two months, but I'm trying to be the bigger person, and I suggested that we move on from the past, and start fresh. I want to have a better 'relationship' with him, for MaKenzie. I don't want her to be around anything negative, and I don't want her to go through what my brother did with my parents divorce. So he and I have been talking a little bit more, being more friendly. He's been calling to talk to Mak almost every night for the past week, and I know she enjoys that. So we'll see how it goes. I just don't want her heart to get broken. Mine has been broken enough for the both of us the rest of our lives.

Lately I've really missed writing poetry. I haven't done it in quite awhile, but I miss having the satisfaction of writing something that is entirely mine. I just came seem to get back into it though. I haven't produced anything worthwhile in over two years. Back in high school, I would churn out 3-4 poems a week. I don't know what to do to get over this "block" and get back into the swing of things. Hmpf.

Romeo, save me, I've been feeling so alone..

As I was thinking about writing out this blog, a certain song was on, that pretty much summed up my feelings. 'Love Story' by Taylor Swift, but the particular part was where she got tired of waiting, wondering if Romeo would ever come around, and her faith in him is fading. I kinda feel like that. But my faith isn't really in just Romeo..more so everyone. I'm afraid to even try to make new friends, because of what's happened recently. But I don't like being alone. I want that friend I can call whenever I need to, and they know just what to say. A friend that will cry with me, laugh with me, and just be there for me. I give my all for every relationship I have, romantically or just friendship wise...and I always get burned. No matter what I do. I get burned. I hate not having someone I can trust or rely on. That when I'm having a hard day I can vent. Especially with raising MaKenzie on my own. At home.. I have no adult interaction. No adult conversation. I have no cable so can't watch TV, no computer so I can't occupy myself that way. It sucks. And that's when I start thinking about everything again and I go back into my funk. I went to bed last night at 9:00 pm, just to avoid thinking about everything.

In retrospect, I am also..happy, if you will, that this has happened to me. Because it only makes me stronger and more cautious. It will in turn make me a better person, and when I do eventually find the right one to be with..I'll be that much more appreciative of what I will have found. So I'm trying really hard to hold onto that thought.

I'm excited for tomorrow night, because I'm getting my third tattoo. I got my second one a week ago, and I'm going back tomorrow to get this new one. All mine are able to be hidden, but these last two...mean a lot to me. And keeps me chugging along. I wish it wasn't going to rain this weekend so MaKenzie and I could play at the park.

My birthday is in exactly one month. I'm tempted to hole myself in the house, and never come out. Lol. I don't care much for my birthday. We'll see what happens.

I'm still waiting to hear from the shipyard about my security clearance and my exact start date. I know it's sometime in August. I'm so excited, and so nervous at the same time. This is a real chance to make a better life for MaKenzie and me. I just don't like change that much so it's going to take time getting used to. I've been at the Ford dealership since 2001. Eek! I can't wait to start though. It's going to such a great thing for me and her.

Trials of my Misfortune

It's only 8:30 in the morning, and my day is already gone down hill. I have an older POS for a car. That constantly needs work. It's been overheating, and now this morning, it won't shift. Just what I need. But I'm trying really hard to be positive and hope that it's just something small that is easily fixed.

On an entertaining note, (well, entertaining for me now, it certaintly wasn't when it was happening) I get these "spickets" in my bathroom during the summer from time to time. Techinally they are camel crickets, but they are freaky and un-natural and look like a cross between a spider and a cricket. Hence my nickname for them. They like to hide and when I go into the bathroom and turn the light on, they jump at me, causing my heart to beat faster than a racehorse on drugs, and to high tail it out of the bathroom in search of my broom. Well, yesterday as I was getting clothes out to wash, one jumped AT MY FACE!! So I followed my routine of screaming and running to get the broom. Only this time, I tried to hit the stupid thing so hard, I broke the broom! At the moment I was freaking out, now it's pretty funny.

Lately I have been doing pretty good about not letting things get to me, and holding my head up considering everything that has happened to me in the last 2-3 months, much less the past year. But the past couple of days have really gotten to me, especially two days ago. I start thinking about everything and I always end up feeling like it's my fault. I need to find something that will snap me outta that mood. It's difficult.

Let's hope today will end on a high note. :)

Test..1..2.. Checking..Test

Ok, so I signed up for Blogger to help a good friend out for a contest...but I figured since I already had to set it up..maybe I should give it a shot in blogging. See what happens. So if by chance anyone does read this, you'll be hearing about myself...things going on in life. My quest for a better future. To find happiness, maybe love. Raising my daughter on my own, and attempting to have a social life. I have plenty of ups and downs, and some entertaining times. I tend to not sugar-coat things when writing because then I can say (or write?) what I really think and feel. So sit back and enjoy the ride!